the damned falling....

is there anything on the face of this planet that hurts more than love???

i told him....
i had to stop the cycle..never mind that i'd probably still keep putting up the diary entries...
maybe just to remind myself how happy this high made me...that it was real...the utterly absurd way in which I've behaved...

it took almost a half an hour of avoiding it,of coming close to it and finding myself incapable of speech,of talking about every useless topic i could find to cling to after every failed attempt....

and then...
"i think I've fallen for you..."

a willing lamb to the slaughter...did i mention that he once asked me what i felt for him before proclaiming that he's just my friend?

he was going that day...leaving the college...it meant no more walks...no more accidental run-ins that used to leave me ecstatic...no more knowing that he was here and i would get to meet him soon enough...

couldnt say it then..call it weakness...call it my refusal to accept what i suppose i always knew in my heart of hearts...that he doesnt feel the same way

and yes...i fell...
fell..broke my nose and a couple of toes...
and my heart bled....


p.s:he said he wanted to clear this up...wants to be friends only...and didnt want me to waste my career and time...i had to fall for someone practical!

diary entries

april 26 2008

I want to tear laugh after laugh from him…I want to punish him...torture him...

Because he does… I want him to light up when I talk to him...I feed on that wistful smile on his… I hate him half the time for making me want him when he certainly doesn’t...he knows it; it seems and takes it so very lightly...or maybe he thinks that it is only light flirting…that how could I the smurf albeit a knowledgeable one be capable of any passion at all...I suppose I am all wit, sarcasm...talk...coffee person to him…the rest of the time I m too lost to care of how he makes me want him…what he makes me feel and how unfair it is…its only his laugh...his smile...his half open mouth...his awkward eyebrows...his eyes all knowing...his adamant tries at making me accept that what he is saying is that he knows...with those eyes…with that smile restrained…held back by knowledge and playfulness...why mock me so??...once we were standing outside the library...the meeting lasted only for about 5 minutes...he came out and then as if he had to (always has to occupy his hands)goes on to touch this flower…the only one left standing in the waste over a platform...I thought in that moment...

“You are again reminding me of how tangible you are isn't it? That just as I could reach out and touch that flower...I would but have to stretch my hand and yes! It would find there...your cheek smooth...your lips full…if I were to hug u now...I’d be able to feel all you are beneath the damned cotton...”

He’s all gallant…an Aquarian trait…always offers to pick up things...well at least he remembers that I happen to be female...the girls were commenting on how I look so much better...fat load of change in just 1 week…cant help it I was so pressed for time.. :shrugs:

I have exams coming…had to get that out of my system in order to get down to any productive studying...I am on one hell of sinusoid...a roller coaster of alternating emotions …there are times I wonder if he is decent at all. He’s such a goddamn mystery…Aquarians are famed for asking 1001 questions and never providing any answers of their own...and they say Gemini is the most confusing sign...he’ll never say it ...you have to figure it out...that’s the godamn game...I was hoping to get bored of his all knowing thing…of his hints...yada yada yada...I should be wished luck…loads of it…there may still be hope for me

here and now

college..hmmm

was fearing this actually..

did i happen to mention that he was my senior...that this is where i met him...that here in this group of buildings standing tall distinct from the city..a near anomaly between the professors' houses and the fields that stretch out behind...

it was so incredulous...me falling..aganist reason..defying logic..letting myself feel something that right from the onset had the power to destroy me...
what confirms how surreal it all was reading all my diary entries...

its happened and it hasnt

very bitter-sweet

always loved chocolate...u know

back to college

so now thankfully...i've got a variety of mundane details to take to take care of...
the rickshaw-walas whose rates forever fluctuate in a manner which always annoys me...the lizards who have taken to my room as their preferred place of residence given my absence of two months...oh and did i mention the unmistakable signs of habitation that they have seen fit to leave on almost everything?...apart from the usual nutritional issues that i have forever had with the mess food...in other words once again i'm dependent on what my mum calls "bahar ki chatr-patr"...the kind of restrictions that the palate reigning supreme imposes on us..sigh..such is life...

square 1

he was right...
like hell he was...
why?why does he always have to be?
latest update:the ego was effectively done away with...because everything he said that day which was very akin to him parenting me btw...happens to be true
so never mind that i fumed and roared and hated him....
it hit home
he was right
and i am back to square 1
still fuming and roaring and trying so very hard to not love him nuts....

the geminical twin

Let it hurt..let it bleed..let it heal..let it form a scar..let it go…

It has to stop..choking blue you’ll save yourself..coz thats what you’ll do wen u see that he’s not your savior..go back..defeated..exhilarated..to where it all started…curse him not..coz it was never his burden to bear..was forever yours…and u never did falter did u?...u were perfect…it didn’t undo u did it?...u were brilliant twin…for u never did stop me..i was free of you then…and when u did express yourself..u did away with words…with that shivering..the grief consuming…and u were my deep…my absolute unreachable unbeatable deep…it all drowned in you and all I felt was the numb..a little salt on my cheek....u saved me every time…my true alter…my only…

K

sometimes it really hurts the way he is with me.....
him with his serious temperament....
i dont understand why he talks to me at all...
but then it is i who calls him...isnt it?
i have to end this with him..it is one sided..this obsession of mine... let him drift off..just a little...every single day
all i have to do is let him take this friendship...or watever this thing is...where ever he wants to take it..let him call me if he wants to talk..i can get over him...
i can...
why is it so hard..you ask?
because he is the most special man i've ever known...
will take time to get detoxified of the K strain...
why is he so special...you ask?
when i was 12..i had a crush on this boy R....
R was amazing..he was cute..he was good at everything..he had so many pets..and so i always had a reason to go meet him..feed the rabbits...have a chat
he was adorable...but he never had any power over me...
i'd sometimes break into giggles..and nothing he did from the most icy of stares to the most indulging of smiles could stop me...laughing looking deep into his eyes..mocking him...never mind that i truly adored him
he simply couldnt make me stop....
the very worst and the very best thing about K is...that he does have an effect on me ...
somehow he does...the way he always looks at me..all knowing...
all those times he's been coveted and despised...
coveted for the knowledge that he's right..that he can see
despised for the very same...
for once i love the fact that the ego that he took away so very effortlessly..and yes i so loved him for it...will eventually creep back..taking him away...
because i cant do this anymore...